WebPickUps Blog

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?’

All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’

All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock? ‘

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

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This is from 8500′ below the surface and over 2 1/2 feet long…….
This isopod came up on the ROV from the sea floor (approx. 8500′) while setting the X-tree from the West Sirius rig…

The face could be straight from your friendly local SiFi Movie!

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can’t buy you happiness … But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP

- Joe Namath

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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist’s diet: -  If it tastes good spit it out.

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What can I say, let it speak for itself!

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Don’t forget to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim males to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless America !

P.S.. It is your patriotic duty to inform others. If you don’t send a link to this page to at least 1 person, you’re a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possible aiding and abetting terrorists.

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From The London Times:
A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 for cars (£1.40), 5 for buses (about £7.00)..

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £7 million pounds ……. and no one even knows his name.

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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The  exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it”

A  member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston  Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”  Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest  Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” -  Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”  – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar  Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a     friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston  Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…. if there is one.” -  Winston Churchill in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen  Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John  Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S.  Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel  Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul  Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles,  Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest  Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark  Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae  West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar  Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support     rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang  (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening.   But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

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‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….

You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….

‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot…

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….

You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.

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1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put  000  on your speed dial before you begin…
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act….
8. Make all the noise you want…the neighbours are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don’t even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . ..

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This remote control seems to work.

No batteries are required.

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