2010 June | WebPickUps Blog

The Honeymoon is Over

Monday, June 28th, 2010

THE STAND-UP COMEDIANS, MORE THAN ANY OTHER GROUP, HAVE THEIR FINGERS IN THE WIND ACCURATELY DETECTING WHICH WAY IT IS BLOWING.

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

–Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

–Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

–Conan O’Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

–Jay Leno

Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society.

The other is for housing prisoners.

–David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

–Jimmy Fallon

Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

–Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

–David Letterman

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Life Explained

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But the human said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information..

I’m doing it as a public service.

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A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth and I know frogs are good bass bait.

Also knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in his mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little while later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

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Why All Kids Should Tuck In Their Shirts!

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

Remember the clowns in the VW?? This video is a bit more serious!
This came to me by email, but the video is up on YouTube.

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Laugh A Day

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

Laugh A Day

Editor’s Note: This email came with a table for formatting, but the table may have used css to declare the colors and fonts. I tried a copy and paste of the table, but was unsuccessful. I then took screen shots and stitched them together to produce the image you see here. I hope you enjoyed it!

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Three Ways to Spot a Millionaire

Friday, June 25th, 2010

Three Ways to Spot a Millionaire!!

One

Two

Three

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RAILROAD TRACKS

Friday, June 25th, 2010

INTERESTING!! TRUE????

Railroad tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder ‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’ , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses’ asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass. And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important? Ancient horse’s asses control almost everything… and
CURRENT Horses Asses in Washington are controlling everything else!!

Editor’s Note: This all makes a good story but Snopes.com feels that there is only a coincidental grain of truth behind it: http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.asp Also note that I changed a couple of the images for a better display.

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Tags: RAILROAD TRACKS, Track Gauge History
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Truck for Sale……love it

Friday, June 25th, 2010

Be careful what you ask of a woman…she may give you what you ask and still find satisfaction!

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that truck???!!!’ He calmly told them, ‘I bought it today.’

‘With what money?’ demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘this one cost me just fifteen dollars.’ So the parents began to yell even louder. ‘Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?’ they said.

‘It was the lady up the street,’ said the boy. I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.’

‘Oh my Goodness!,’ moaned the mother, ‘she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.’ So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back).

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

So I did.’

(Are women good or what?)

I love it!!!!!

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How to Sell Toothbrushes

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

HOW TO SELL … TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.

The teacher held her breath …

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher,

“How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”

They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog doodle!”

Then I would say, “It is dog doodle. Wanna buy a toothbrush ?”

“I used the Obama governmental approach of giving you something shitty, but looks good, for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth.”
The teacher was speechless. . . . . . . .

Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts, bless his heart. . . . . . .

Editors Note: I did add the pictures to this one. It came in as plain text.