WebPickUps Blog

A brand new department store has just opened in London. It sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:-

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

One day a woman goes into the store and rather nervously starts climbing the stairs.

When she gets to the 1st floor a sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.

She thinks, “I can do better than that” and keeps going up.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.

But she goes up another floor.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

WARNING: GRAPHIC PICTURES

Aircraft Crashes Into 4 Buildings !!

Terrible, just terrible. I wonder how the folks in those buildings felt?

They probably yelled “Holy S- -t”
———-have a great weekend———-

You Might Be A Redneck If………

(No words are needed)

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some idiot wants to buy a half head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Alabama , sir.” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Alabama ?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but prostitutes and football players there.”

“Really?” said the manager “My wife is from Alabama .”

“Get outta here!” the boy said, “Who’d she play for?”

Puns for Educated Minds

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

You gotta love this one even if you’ve never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others….

Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta Tower : “Saudi Air 511 — You are  cleared to land on  Runway 9R.”

Saudi Air: “Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on  Infidel’s’ runway 9R – Allah be Praised.”

Atlanta Tower : ” Iran Air 711 – You are cleared to land on runway 27L.”

Iran Air: “Thank you Atlanta . We are  cleared to land on infidel’s  Runway 27L. – Allah is Great.”

Pause….

Saudi Air: ” ATLANTA TOWER -  ATLANTA TOWER !”

Atlanta Tower : “Go ahead Saudi Air 511..”

Saudi Air: “YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE  ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!”

Atlanta Tower : “Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y’all go on ahead now and tell Allah “hey” for us!”

How To Video:

How to convert this:

Into this:

Every once in awhile you hear a good story that you feel obligated to pass along, and this is one of them.

Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the U.S. House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this:

“Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin.”

Editor’s Note: It came to me by email, what can I say!

Law of Mechanical Repair -

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity -

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers -

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi -

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law -

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath -

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result -

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics -

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre and Hockey Arena -

At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Starbucks Law -

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers -

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces -

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument -

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance -

If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking -

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law -

If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.