WebPickUps Blog

It fits into your back pocket…………..

Dinner party for 8 – $250…

Wine for guests – $80…

Your parents are there,

Your in-laws are there,

Your boss and his wife are there,

The minister and his wife are there,

You’re all settling down for a nice relaxing dinner,

Then

In

Walks

The

Dog…..

……

…..

……

PRICELESS!

Hog-Huntin’, Texas style!

This west Texas farmer had a feral-hog problem. Wild hogs will ruin a farm!

HAD IS THE KEY WORD HERE!

Simple solution….

Holy Hog Poop, Batman!!!; Is that a .50 cal. BARRETT on the dashboard??! !
…And an M-1919 Browning .30 cal. Belt-Fed MACHINE GUN topside?

Yummy!!!

Yee-Haw, Billy-Bob!!! That’ll make for one dandy HOG ROAST, don’t ya reckon??!

Bring on the BBQ!!!

Crazy Texans!

Law of Mechanical Repair -

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity -

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers -

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi -

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law -

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath -

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result -

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics -

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre and Hockey Arena -

At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Starbucks Law -

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers -

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces -

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument -

Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance -

If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking -

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law -

If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO!

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don’t send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

No nursing home for us. We are checking into the Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. We have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grand kids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?

So, when we reach that golden age, we’ll face it with a grin. Just forward our mail to:

A DREAMER AND HIS DREAM

Let me tell you, Jesse hated this job. And you would too, I imagine, if you had to do it. Jesse was a chicken plucker. That’s right.

He stood on a line in a chicken factory and spent his days pulling the feathers off dead chickens so the rest of us wouldn’t have to. It wasn’t much of a job.

But at the time, Jesse didn’t think he was much of a person. His father was a brute of a man. His dad was actually thought to be mentally ill and treated Jesse rough all of his life.

Jesse’s older brother wasn’t much better. He was always picking on Jesse and beating him up. Yes, Jesse grew up in a very rough home in West Virginia . Life was anything but easy. And he thought life didn’t hold much hope for him. That’s why he was standing in this chicken line, doing a job that darn few people wanted.

In addition to all the rough treatment at home, it seems that Jesse was always sick. Sometimes it was real physical illness, but way too often it was all in his head. He was a small child, skinny and meek. That sure didn’t help the situation any.

When he started to school, he was the object of every bully on the playground.

He was a hypochondriac of the first order. For Jesse, tomorrow was not always something to be looked forward to. But, he had dreams. He wanted to be a ventriloquist. He found books on ventriloquism. He practiced with sock puppets and saved his hard earned dollars until he could get a real ventriloquist dummy.

When he got old enough, he joined the military. And even though many of his hypochondriac symptoms persisted, the military did recognize his talents and put him in the entertainment corp. That was when his world changed. He gained confidence. He found that he had a talent for making people laugh, and laugh so hard they often had tears in their eyes. Yes, little Jesse had found himself.

You know, folks, the history books are full of people who overcame a handicap to go on and make a success of themselves, but Jesse is one of the few I know of who didn’t overcome it. Instead he used his paranoia to make a million dollars, and become one of the best-loved characters of all time in doing it!

Yes, that little paranoid hypochondriac, who transferred his nervousness into a successful career, still holds the record for the most Emmy’s given in a single category.

The wonderful, gifted, talented, and nervous comedian who brought us Barney Fife was Jesse Don Knotts.

NOW YOU KNOW, “THE REST OF THE STORY”

Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our GOD who loves us.

SEND THIS TO A FRIEND …. I just did.

As the video says, who needs a gun when you have this dandy little weapon.