WebPickUps Blog

A friend sent this video of a thriller of a jet boat ride through a gorge somewhere in New Zealand. It is a good show, so I am presenting it here.

The Recession has hit everybody…..

• I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen..
• A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
• I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
• If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
• A picture is now only worth 200 words.
• When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
• The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
• Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally…

• I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Someone sent me a link to this video on another site. I have lived in Florida since the early 1970s, so I have seen all this first hand. I may even be about ready to join the party, as long as the silver hair is not required!

From the BBC – by John Cleese.

ANNOUNCEMENT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France  are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of  Brussels  .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend”, and “The barbie is cancelled.”

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, “Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!”

“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Harry.

“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most middle Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana .

With the dog in tow, they walked inside and  stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?” “Yes we are!” said Nancy , “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.”

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.  A few moments later, in came another old farmer.  He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen farmers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked,  “Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog’s tail?  Is it some sort of  custom?”

“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Kentucky lake when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

‘Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,’ he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

‘Yiminy Cricket!’ exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. ‘Vere dit yew git dat monster??’

‘Vell,’ replied Ole, ‘I got it from my Genie.’

‘You haff a Genie?’ Sven asked.

‘Ya, shure. It’s right here in my tackle box,’ says Ole.

‘Could I see him?’

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, ‘Hey dere! I’m a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?’

‘Yes, I will,’ says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks… flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, ‘Yumpin’ Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!’

Ole answers, ‘Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?”

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny..

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that’s taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
—————- ———————————

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is……

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
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Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send a link to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).

We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

Another Video Post: Landon Rulesfran is a kid that has grown up with a pool cue in his hand. See some of the amazing stuff that he can do in this YouTube Video. As usual I got the original as a .wmv attachment to an email.

Get out there and play some pool, but maybe not with Landon.

A Picture is worth a thousand words, and this picture depicting a red-neck birth control does tell the story. Is there anything that duct tape can’t do??

I have received the .wmv version of this video a few times. Investigation shows that it is available on YouTube so I bring it to you here:

So that Mr. Google will have something to read this is a candid camera type spoof where a deer is roped to a car and parked outside a truckstop. The crew had the deer wired for sound and limited movement and had some fun with passers by.