Web Pickups

February 1, 2009

Name:
Wink
Website:
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This is not a joke! I have just updated the eJoke page to some upgraded software. This is a test post. I was able to maintain my old data, but the header information does not function. The new software is more secure as far as its handling of personal data, and the old format in not compatable.

Jul 16, 2008

Name:
Wink
Website:
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Time for Church

Waking up for church one Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church.

He replied, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you should go to church. One, you're 59-years-old and two, you're the pastor!"

Jul 10, 2008

Name:
Wink
Website:
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Wish I could think so quickly. . . .

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After
They got settled in their
Seats a woman sitting across the aisle
From him leaned over to him
And asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom
Company. These are customer complaints.'

Jul 10, 2008

Name:
Wink
Website:
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Drs. Advice



A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.



'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do.'



'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.'



'Well, then,' the doctor continued, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'



The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'



'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from.

Jul 10, 2008

Name:
Wink
Website:
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Arthur in Heaven


Arthur Davidson of the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it quickly.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these market survey numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Jul 10, 2008

Name:
Wink
Website:
Visit

Postal Job


A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic
to anything?'

He says, 'Yes, caffeine.'

''Have you ever been in the service?'

'Yes,' he says, 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks,
'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says, 'Yes 100%. An IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are
from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM and plan on starting at 10 AM
every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me
to be here before 10 AM?'

''This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

Jul 9, 2008

Name:
Wink
Website:
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The Trucker and the Blonde
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?
LOVE THIS ONE..........
She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!'
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN, AND THE LAST WORD!

Jul 9, 2008

Name:
Wink
Website:
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Please start using proper English Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennessee and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore:
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of ‘RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.

Jul 8, 2008

Name:
Wink
Website:
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Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following.

'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF . .. .

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Jul 8, 2008

Name:
Wink
Website:
Visit

Redneck pick up lines..

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.


AND.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up